Sex and Marriage
Monday, August 03, 2009
I was 9; I played masak-masak with the boy next door. We'd our wedding ceremony and my brother as the pastor. After the ring (I think it was a rubber band) exchange, he kissed me on my lips. Mom was not home. But grandma saw the scene and told her.
I was 12; my then best friend and I had a crush with the same classmate. We passed on notes to each other during classes and talk about our crush. Love seemed difficult to understand, let alone marriage.
I was 15; I had fantasy with Keanu Reeves, Takeshi Kaneshiro, and Nicholas Tse, my then idols. My fantasy included my marriage with three of them. The best part of fantasy is you can have all the impossible things working out in your head. All free and no boundary.
I was 16; I had this vague relationship lasted for few months. It was not an official relationship and barely significant too, but he did play some part in the change of my destiny. Marriage did not exist in this chapter.
I was 17; I secretly fell for her. Fell might sound a bit serious, admire is more proper. Every time we talked, I felt butterfly flipping its wings inside my tummy. I was more like a follower; no fantasy, no marriage though.
I was 18; I had my first announced relationship. Marriage is beyond my consideration and beyond our capabilities too.
I was 22; it's another relationship. The idea of marriage somehow fell in my head sometimes. But I knew I was not in the position to demand for one.
Today; I am in a rocky relationship and marriage is remote.
Tomorrow; I might consider a marriage. Same sex or not, it's not important.
Sex, or rather gender is categorized more than just female and male, especially to people like us. There are so many labels only in a dykey relationship. But when it comes back to the basic gender, a butch will still be labeled as female. Same, there're so many different type of relationships going on out there. But when it comes to the requirement of a long lasting and loving relationship, it's always how the two person percept and value the love and sustain. Gender does a very little impact on this. Let's set aside the pressure from family and society first.
What does gender really matter to us? Or does label really matter?
I did not "choose" to be gay, nor I was born to be one. As far as I remember, I had crush for cute guys and I would greatly flattered if they flirt with me. The same time, I find myself sexually attracted to these "men" who traps inside the women bodies. And, I have something for these pretty ladies who are refined and elegant, and I just couldn't take my eyes off them. They could be pure admires, who wouldn't love beautiful things? But, I clearly aware that gender will not impede me from getting together with person I fell for. I know it is not a common thing that is acceptable to everyone. Take a common example; some people don't mind if their other halves smoke. But some put this smoking habit on top of their mate-consideration list, and it's a big "no-no" to them. In my mate-consideration list, how much I fell for that person always comes first than the person's gender.
To me, gender is just an attribute of the two persons that made up the relationship.
If I am cooking chicken for dinner, the last thing I would care is if it is a cock or hen. How the chicken is going to be cooked and how it tasted are things I would bother. Dinner and the gender of the chicken, they seemed irrelevant. Dinner and chicken, they linked. Of course, one would not compare relationship with dinner, nor one will cook relationship neither. But, at the end of the day, what are relationship and dinner to us? Are they merely a noun, or something we could not afford to miss in this life?
I couldn't bother much of the chicken's gender; I only want a well-cooked dinner.
Marriage. I attended countless wedding ceremony and wedding dinner, either sitting in a baby chair or a grown-up chair. And every scene is the same, the bride and the groom walked into the hall blissfully and guests turned to gaze admiringly at them; and when dishes served, they quietly compared the food, shark fins soup especially and the same time bitching the background of the pair of newlywed, as if they have the perfect son or daughter in-law. Okay, I know this is like a norm and I am one of the bitches too, and this is not my intended point actually. My point is, even a straight marriage, people has got so many to criticize, let alone gay marriage.
I grew up being taught that a family is made up of a father (male), a mother (female) and children (could be both female and male). No one ever mentioned that a family could form by a gay couple and their adopted children too. Not in our society and culture. Non-straight things are forbidden and always interpreted as sinful.
Back in years ago, I imagined my marriage life with a husband (male) and three kids (two sons and a daughter) and we lived happily in a vintage house where bed of tulips planted in the garden. Marriage to me that time was having kids and living happiliy. I know very little to none of commitment and sharing of life. Marriage to me was just pictures of how life should be. When I was in my first relationship, these imaginations somehow faded. I would not think about marriage because it's beyond our capabilities. And I thought; who needs a marriage when you can stay happily with your mate, especially gay couple? You only need a marriage to obtain marriage certificate so that you can deliver your babies legally in term of custom law, or you're entitled to move in together and wouldn't need to endure the neighbour's pointing. I see marriage as just a piece of paper to prove two together, while this piece of paper has law enforcement and allow you to sue the other half for commit adultery. Then I learned, marriage could be more than this. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is a knot to keep faith from falling apart. This piece of paper could allow you to sue the other half, and the same time it could also provide a legal standing for your mate when something happen to you. The wedding band and ritualistic part of marriage is the testimony of both completing each other life. Marriage might not be necessary, but when it happens, nothing could defeat the beauty of marriage.
The urge of getting married is especially strong when friends talking about their wedding plans. At the age of mine, who isn't talking about marriage and wedding? If I were given an option, to get married with him whom I like a lot or to only move in with her whom I fell in love with all my heart. I think I know the choice. When I grew older, I value marriage more. But then, to disaffection against my heart's will for the sake of marriage? I wouldn't do so. Of course, things could be very easy if I was allowed to change the option to marry her that I love the most or move in with him that I like a lot. But reality is always harsh. Making everything you want in your way? It is tougher and close to miracle.
I yearn for a marriage, but I hunger more for the life with the one I love the most. Same sex or not, I think it shouldn't be a major concern. Marriage or not, it doesn't seem to be a need too anymore.
I was once obsessed by the matter of sex and marriage. The problem of being a minority is, majority tends to think they are right with everything they practice and minority is eccentric. I know not all majority thinks so, but those who think so do exist and they can be close to your life. You can't convince them to accept by just few words, nor can you plead them for acceptance. I think in order to be accepted, you must accept yourself first. Both to be accepted and accept, they're not easy. Not at all. But I believe time will tell.
Love, sex and marriage are individual entities but were connected to each other closely. And when it comes to love and marriage, they shouldn't be judged by sex.
I do not write this entry to govern my friends, or closed one on their contemplations of gay relationship.
I am just rambling on my feelings.
I was 12; my then best friend and I had a crush with the same classmate. We passed on notes to each other during classes and talk about our crush. Love seemed difficult to understand, let alone marriage.
I was 15; I had fantasy with Keanu Reeves, Takeshi Kaneshiro, and Nicholas Tse, my then idols. My fantasy included my marriage with three of them. The best part of fantasy is you can have all the impossible things working out in your head. All free and no boundary.
I was 16; I had this vague relationship lasted for few months. It was not an official relationship and barely significant too, but he did play some part in the change of my destiny. Marriage did not exist in this chapter.
I was 17; I secretly fell for her. Fell might sound a bit serious, admire is more proper. Every time we talked, I felt butterfly flipping its wings inside my tummy. I was more like a follower; no fantasy, no marriage though.
I was 18; I had my first announced relationship. Marriage is beyond my consideration and beyond our capabilities too.
I was 22; it's another relationship. The idea of marriage somehow fell in my head sometimes. But I knew I was not in the position to demand for one.
Today; I am in a rocky relationship and marriage is remote.
Tomorrow; I might consider a marriage. Same sex or not, it's not important.
Sex, or rather gender is categorized more than just female and male, especially to people like us. There are so many labels only in a dykey relationship. But when it comes back to the basic gender, a butch will still be labeled as female. Same, there're so many different type of relationships going on out there. But when it comes to the requirement of a long lasting and loving relationship, it's always how the two person percept and value the love and sustain. Gender does a very little impact on this. Let's set aside the pressure from family and society first.
What does gender really matter to us? Or does label really matter?
I did not "choose" to be gay, nor I was born to be one. As far as I remember, I had crush for cute guys and I would greatly flattered if they flirt with me. The same time, I find myself sexually attracted to these "men" who traps inside the women bodies. And, I have something for these pretty ladies who are refined and elegant, and I just couldn't take my eyes off them. They could be pure admires, who wouldn't love beautiful things? But, I clearly aware that gender will not impede me from getting together with person I fell for. I know it is not a common thing that is acceptable to everyone. Take a common example; some people don't mind if their other halves smoke. But some put this smoking habit on top of their mate-consideration list, and it's a big "no-no" to them. In my mate-consideration list, how much I fell for that person always comes first than the person's gender.
To me, gender is just an attribute of the two persons that made up the relationship.
If I am cooking chicken for dinner, the last thing I would care is if it is a cock or hen. How the chicken is going to be cooked and how it tasted are things I would bother. Dinner and the gender of the chicken, they seemed irrelevant. Dinner and chicken, they linked. Of course, one would not compare relationship with dinner, nor one will cook relationship neither. But, at the end of the day, what are relationship and dinner to us? Are they merely a noun, or something we could not afford to miss in this life?
I couldn't bother much of the chicken's gender; I only want a well-cooked dinner.
Marriage. I attended countless wedding ceremony and wedding dinner, either sitting in a baby chair or a grown-up chair. And every scene is the same, the bride and the groom walked into the hall blissfully and guests turned to gaze admiringly at them; and when dishes served, they quietly compared the food, shark fins soup especially and the same time bitching the background of the pair of newlywed, as if they have the perfect son or daughter in-law. Okay, I know this is like a norm and I am one of the bitches too, and this is not my intended point actually. My point is, even a straight marriage, people has got so many to criticize, let alone gay marriage.
I grew up being taught that a family is made up of a father (male), a mother (female) and children (could be both female and male). No one ever mentioned that a family could form by a gay couple and their adopted children too. Not in our society and culture. Non-straight things are forbidden and always interpreted as sinful.
Back in years ago, I imagined my marriage life with a husband (male) and three kids (two sons and a daughter) and we lived happily in a vintage house where bed of tulips planted in the garden. Marriage to me that time was having kids and living happiliy. I know very little to none of commitment and sharing of life. Marriage to me was just pictures of how life should be. When I was in my first relationship, these imaginations somehow faded. I would not think about marriage because it's beyond our capabilities. And I thought; who needs a marriage when you can stay happily with your mate, especially gay couple? You only need a marriage to obtain marriage certificate so that you can deliver your babies legally in term of custom law, or you're entitled to move in together and wouldn't need to endure the neighbour's pointing. I see marriage as just a piece of paper to prove two together, while this piece of paper has law enforcement and allow you to sue the other half for commit adultery. Then I learned, marriage could be more than this. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is a knot to keep faith from falling apart. This piece of paper could allow you to sue the other half, and the same time it could also provide a legal standing for your mate when something happen to you. The wedding band and ritualistic part of marriage is the testimony of both completing each other life. Marriage might not be necessary, but when it happens, nothing could defeat the beauty of marriage.
The urge of getting married is especially strong when friends talking about their wedding plans. At the age of mine, who isn't talking about marriage and wedding? If I were given an option, to get married with him whom I like a lot or to only move in with her whom I fell in love with all my heart. I think I know the choice. When I grew older, I value marriage more. But then, to disaffection against my heart's will for the sake of marriage? I wouldn't do so. Of course, things could be very easy if I was allowed to change the option to marry her that I love the most or move in with him that I like a lot. But reality is always harsh. Making everything you want in your way? It is tougher and close to miracle.
I yearn for a marriage, but I hunger more for the life with the one I love the most. Same sex or not, I think it shouldn't be a major concern. Marriage or not, it doesn't seem to be a need too anymore.
I was once obsessed by the matter of sex and marriage. The problem of being a minority is, majority tends to think they are right with everything they practice and minority is eccentric. I know not all majority thinks so, but those who think so do exist and they can be close to your life. You can't convince them to accept by just few words, nor can you plead them for acceptance. I think in order to be accepted, you must accept yourself first. Both to be accepted and accept, they're not easy. Not at all. But I believe time will tell.
Love, sex and marriage are individual entities but were connected to each other closely. And when it comes to love and marriage, they shouldn't be judged by sex.
I do not write this entry to govern my friends, or closed one on their contemplations of gay relationship.
I am just rambling on my feelings.
1:46 AM 